Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna - Movie Review

The wait….as it seems…has definitely ended. And I for one am definitely thankful for that. Why? Read on. The much hyped Karan Johar’s multi-starrer spectacle Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna is out. Sadly so is its story. For those who do not know it yet:

Storyline # 1 - Dev Saran (SRK) is a football champ who breaks his leg in a freak car accident and retains a permanent limp. He is married to Rhea (Zinta) and has a child. His insecurity lies in the fact that he could not achieve what he wanted to in life. But what makes it worse is the fact that he seems to hate that his wife, on the other hand, is the ‘man of the house’ while he lives off her. This makes him terminally ill with ‘male chauvinism syndrome’ as it were as he huffs and puffs his way across this 3.5 hour debacle.

Cut to storyline # 2. Maya (Rani) a humble school teacher is married to Rishi (Abhishek) who is a party planner in NYC and a childhood friend of Maya. Maya is shown as someone incapable of having children and a cleanliness freak.

Ok. So far so good you might think, eh? So did I. Read further.

Both marriages are on the rocks thanks to inexplicably unreasonable characters Dev and Maya. Dev is always mad about one thing or another without a break. I was wondering why Rhea stuck it out with as long as she did. On the other hand we have Mrs.Weepy-Eye Maya who never really explains why it is she cant satisfy her honest husband’s genuine needs. If he requires a little passion in bed then she would rather ‘discuss’ it than do anything more. Needless to say the man is patient and puts up with this borderline insane woman.

Then we have Rishi’s Playboy dad Sam (Amitabh) who is waltzing around with girls a quarter his age while mouthing sentimental stuff about his dead wife. Yawn!

When Dev and Maya meet the first time, being the strangers that they are, Dev actually manages to have a profound conversation with this complete stranger with questions like “Do you love him?” Seems like Johar was so eager to let them get used to each other from the very first frame and realism apparently doesn’t matter anymore. A few meaningless lines later off goes Maya into her bridal suite and off goes Dev into a passing car.

4 years pass by. Don’t worry. That means nothing.

Takes one to meet and understand one indeed. Dev and Maya meet up again due to some random accident and voila! We have the two couples exchanging greetings with each other. When they both “realize” that they are in the same boat they decide to help each other out with some ridiculous tomfoolery around beautiful NYC. You will have to see these scenes to hate them.

A few songs and hip shakes later we have the couple checking into a suite somewhere as they have just realized that “Hey! We don’t need to fix our marriages. Lets fix each other up with one another!’ while poor old Abhishek and good old Zinta are gyrating in a night club somewhere oblivious of where exactly the “party is that night”.

Yaawn. Are you still reading? Wait. Am I still writing? Ok.

KANK is about relationships outside marriage and what happens if one were to say ‘meet their soul mate’ after marriage. Very noble indeed. But the flaw is not with the question but with the answers Johar Inc. provides. Neither are they reasonable nor believable as 3.5 valuable hours of our finite lives are exhausted in this meaningless merry-go-round of ‘relationships’.

Performances hands down belong to the Bachchans. If you thought you had seen the last of Big B then you better watch out. Despite being borderline vulgar the legend pulls off an amazingly new and refreshing role of a Casanova. In the same breathe there is his kiddo Abhishek. In the entire cast he seemed the only dude who had any honesty in his performance. If there is anyone to benefit from this Titanic of a movie then that is Abhishek. Rani…hang on. I forget when it was she acted in the movie between all that crying! Good lord woman! Have some integrity for crying out loud! Preity is ok in her very reserved appearance although I felt more sympathetic for her and Abhishek towards the end than these ‘love birds’.

I kept SRK for a different paragraph for a couple of reasons. This man needs to start rethinking doing movies for Johar. He has hammed like you have never seen before. If in Kal Ho Na Ho he wouldn’t die…then in KANK he doesn’t live. Not for one minute. His loud and over the top acting makes me wonder if he indeed was the man who made a classic like Swades. It’s a shame his choices have gone downhill again.

John Abraham (yea…yea..) and Arjun Rampal are also there for some reason that I don’t really understand. Kirron Kher and others are alright.

Music is truly over rated since it sounds like a lot of tunes you have already heard before. Editing and camera work is more on NYC rather than scenes. How many times will we get to see NYC, Mr. Johar? Some of us live there you know. All said and done KANK is a good attempt gone very wrong. My advise – skip it and save yourselves a few hours of your mental and physical health.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 in which 2 points for the Bachchans and half a point for the unconventional story.

ShaKri